Blind Faith

My dearest darling loves,
Thoughts of the smiles on each of your faces is what keeps me moving. I know for certain that if I lived and breathed for only myself my story would have ended long ago. I find comfort in knowing that in the days, years, and centuries before we met, God sent each of you to save me. Im writing this with a heart bursting full of emotions that I cannot easily individually identify.  What I can be sure of is that I owe you an explanation. I have not been who you’ve needed me to be because I have been afraid of failing, afraid of letting you down again, and afraid that you would not see me for who I have tried to be for you. You are my everything and that scares me. It scares me because I wonder if I have invested enough of myself in you. What have I provided you with? What imprint, impact, or impression have I laid upon you? I need to see where my life has impacted yours. The truth, my darlings is that I am a fake, a fraud, a phoney, and thinly veiled illusion. I can’t even bare my soul to you even in this moment because I don’t know where my true intentions would lie in doing so. I want to be everything to you, and at the same time I want to cared for more than that. The arms of the one who loves me seek me daily, and I, the immature mess that I am keep running because I’m afraid of the commitment that I would have to make and keep with myself if I surrendered. Please know I could never purposely let you down my loves and that has been part of the grace that has saved me. Grace. Mercy and grace for broken and mended, stretched and sutured little me.
I confess that I am full of a selfishness and pride that allows me a welcomed escape from the realization that I am supposed to be more, do more, live more. I know that I’ve promised you many times that I will be who you need me to be, but how can I do that? As I write these very words I don’t even know how to be the me that I need. In the end I’m broken, I’m a mess, I’m torn, and mended a thousand times over. The truth as I know it is that I’m flawed to the point that I know
God is bringing perfection forth from it. So here I am, your wife, your mother, and your daughter, and I’m wanting so desperately for you to see me and to know me for who I really am because if you do then maybe one day I will also.

What Now?

At the ripe old age of 33 I’m finally starting to have growing pains.  The mental, spiritual, emotional, and (judging by the random pops that come with sudden movements) very physical transition into my next phase of life.  As can be expected there are hills and valleys of all sorts that come with entering into this territory.  At times I feel like I’m finally in a place where I can be as assertive and powerful as I desire, and then I have those moments when I’m so unsure of everything I want and who I am.  In an instant I can go from Wonder Woman to just plain I wonder. While I’m sure that realizing that I am having this change of life is a victory within itself, because some unfortunate souls never catch on, I  need answers and direction more than anything.  Where do I start?

So often people ask me what my interests are, what I’m good at, and what I like to do.  I know there’s no harm in that, but for a person like me, that sets off an avalanche of unending possibilities.  I’m not exaggerating when I say there are many things that I do well and enjoy doing, so to ask me to pick one and stick with it seems impossible.  I’ll explain.  My gifts, talents, and interests are more like a Five Guys than a McDonald’s.  A food reference Kairis?  Really?  Of course, they’re easy to relate to and I haven’t had lunch so just stick with me.  At Five Guys you have the basic toppings of a burger.  You’ve got your cheese, and ketchup, mustard, pickles, etc, but there is also another complete list of toppings that you can add in any combination and…you can add burger patties (more substance).  This burger can be as large and over the top as you want, or it can be simple and plain.  The possibilities seem endless for sure.  Then you have McDonald’s. There is a set menu with set toppings that come on the burger without your request, special orders can be accommodated but they aren’t truly encouraged and there is only so much you’ll be able to get out of that.  My life is a Five Guys.  I don’t know what I want so I just keep piling stuff on until it becomes so heavy that I have to use both hands to hold my creation.  Not only that, but things can get messy and sometimes my burger even falls apart.   Are you still with me?  In other words, I can just keep piling stuff on because I love the way it looks and sounds, but in the end I can’t eat a whole hamburger anyway so the only thing that makes it more enjoyable than McDonald’s is the fact that I know I have options.

My desire is to be satisfied, fulfilled, and successful but the road to that life isn’t paved with as many easy answers as it once seemed.  These days, I’m finding a lot more stumbling blocks, detours, one way signs, and do not enters.  Still, I believe.  I believe that the answer is out there and I’m capable of achieving my goals, but how?  Misguided isn’t the right way to describe my current condition.  I just feel like I have a compass that doesn’t read direction, but instead it reads the changing direction of the wind around me.  I’m moved by everything, but not going anywhere.  The portrait that I’m painting sure seems a lot darker in type than it does in real life.  Maybe that’s part of the problem.  Maybe things are a lot more simple than I make them out to be.  Maybe the answer to all my questions is right in front of me and I’m teetering on the edge of greatness.  Maybe.

If that’s true, then what now?