I work 24 hours a day. No lie. I work 24 hours a day. In the morning, I awake and somehow halfway pull myself enough to look halfway presentable to random stranger number 3 at sometime during my day. Then I get my twin angels out of bed, usually with them still in the deepest of sleep because they partied well into the night, and begin the task of dressing them. I do the purse, keys, phone check and carry my little ones down the stairs and begin to load us and our essentials for the day into the car. The morning must begin with their morning snack of mini muffins or trip to Dunkin Donuts for their donut holes because well…that’s what must be done to keep the 12 minute ride to the daycare on course and peaceful for the good of all of us. From there my angels are dropped off and off to work I go.
WORK…What a word. I don’t mind working, but this is not what I saw myself doing at all. I don’t hate it, but let’s just say the environment is more than draining at times. I long for those 15 minute breaks of solitude they so graciously offer twice a day so that I can escape to my car and ask myself, “girl how did you get here? We were building an empire 4 months ago.” Look, I don’t know. I guess the want and need for the “financial freedom” called to me. These days it’s being drowned out by thoughts of mental and emotional freedom. Any day now I’m waiting to see if they’ll win out.
Anyway, on with the day. I finish work at 5 and then it’s off to the daycare to pick up my girls. It’s at this time that the precious cargo I’m carrying begins to vocalize their desires for any and everything food and/or sugar related. “Yes, babies. Mommy is about to make dinner. Hang tight.” As soon as we hit the door and without even putting my purse down (a scene all too familiar from my own childhood) I begin to clear away the slew of dirty dishes, pots, pans, left over food garbage and containers that are blocking me from fulfilling my mission of feeding my family. Once that’s half accomplished and dinner is underway there’s usually a Pull-up situation. NOPE. NOBODY is potty trained. Yes they are three years old. JUDGE YOUR MAMA. I’m sitting here barely hanging on and baring my soul and you’re fixated on the fact that my children are not potty trained. Well come train them, but I caution you…touch them and lose every finger.
Moving on. Dinner is on the table, children are somewhat content, daddy is now home and a sigh of relief has come over me. Not because I can’t handle the girls alone. Simply because as odd as it seems and as yin and yang as we are he is my peaceful place (most of the time). So we exchange brief pleasantries. He may or may not eat. Hell I may or may not eat and then it’s off to bed. The girls get their tablets and favorite tv shows and we get our bed and whatever I so happen to tell Alexa to queue up just for the background noise to put me to sleep. The husband and I exchange an I love you or two after I take my nightly anti-anxiety medications and then within minutes I’m off…oh no not to sleep. TO WORK. That’s right. I work an entire day in my sleep at night. From the time I rise, getting the girls dressed, breaks, lunches, personal family drama in between, to the ride home…AND THEN I WAKE UP!
This sounds insane, right? Miserable? Well it is? I can’t even get peace of mind in my sleep. The burdens of mind and heart are so heavy they have infiltrated even those peaceful, hopeful, secret passages of my mind that I held only for hope and personal fulfillment. I am TIRED. I never rest. When I sleep I’m TIRED. When I’m awake I’m TIRED. My heart is tired. My mind is TIRED. My spirit…TIRED. I know why. So much of what pulls at and on me doesn’t belong to me at all. There is little respect for my mental and emotional well-being, especially amongst those who are SUPPOSED to love me. I am only as good as what I have to offer. Screw the rest. If I can’t offer them whatever support they need (not because I don’t want to, although in many of these situations that is the case), but because I mentally, emotionally and physically just can’t then I’m the villain. Horrible daughter, mother, friend, whatever it is, whomever it fits. Once again I have hurt and disappointed THEM with my selfishness and lack of ability to provide them with something they need…ME. Check this out for the people in the cheap seats…I DON’T EVEN HAVE ME RIGHT NOW! I’d do just about anything to be in full control of my world and order it any way I want, say no and be able to stand on it without remorse or being made to feel guilty or evil.
I AM TIRED! There is no rest in my life. I can’t give what I don’t have. I have no Kairis to give. I am working hard to get her back, but believe me as I gather the fragmented pieces of the better part of who I was and rebuild this upgraded version of myself the access will be extremely limited. Never again will I be so depleted, defeated, used and abused by the very people I have spent a lifetime giving my all too. I AM TIRED. I’m too tired to keep fighting battles that aren’t mine. Hell I’m too tired to keep hearing about them, because most of the solutions I offer are thrown aside and ignored anyway. So how about miss me with it completely from now on. I AM TIRED.
I am a person living with anxiety and bi-polar disorder/depression and in my opinion I manage damn well. I take my medications. Use the coping skills I’ve learned in therapy. Participate in therapy and now I have to learn to do the most important thing which is completely dismiss negativity and toxicity. So many people don’t understand those two things I just mentioned and that’s fine with me. I hear people make jokes about it and that’s fine too, because that’s your truth regarding something you have no personal knowledge of. For the longest I wouldn’t even speak of it because I didn’t want to “embarrass” my husband. I speak openly about it now because I know that there are people who need to know you can lead normal and healthy lives, but you must focus on the healthy and not what everyone else tells you normal looks like. My normal is very likely quite different from yours and that’s fine because it works for me. What does not work is when I begin to neglect myself in ways that affect those two conditions and can cause them to then cause a disruption and disconnect in the way that I live the rest of my life. My world is not centered around diagnosis. It is centered around awareness. That is why with certainty I can say I AM TIRED.
Now before I close what has been a great release for mental and emotional well-being let me say this. I’m far from defeated. I have a purpose. I know what it is. I have goals. I have plans to reach them. I AM TIRED, but I AM NOT FINISHED.
Worth the Weight 